Do you ever just feel stuck?
Like you are in a standstill. No progression. No regression. Just floating. I feel stuck. I know in my mind that I am making progression on my academic degree, but I am still in school and I will be for about four more years. It is progression, yes, but I still feel stuck. I don’t know if it is a quarter-life crisis I am going through, but I just feel uncomfortable. I have friends with children. I have friends with fiances. I have friends with husbands or wives. I have friends with casual sexual relationships. I have friends with serious boyfriends or girlfriends. And then there is me. I guess part of this stuck is that I have a deep sense of loneliness that clouds my soul often. I find great comfort in my own presence, but sometimes I look around and wonder, “what am I doing wrong?” It is not that I desire a relationship, I actually have no desire to be in one; but, at times I do desire a person to share some time with. Physically and a little mentally. I say physically, but to be frank, I do not seek to have sex with or touch just anyone. I have come to only want to give that part of my soul to certain people whom I feel are worthy. So, I guess it is my fault, but it is something that I do not wish to change. I see my friends with boys and girls and being typical young adults and having sex and having a good time and I feel like I am doing something wrong. I stay in most weekends. I ignore 99% of the men that try and talk to me. And I don’t desire hanging out with my friends everyday. I always think to myself, “what is wrong with me?”
Maybe there is no problem, though. There is no right way to live life and I would not say that I am unhappy. I find that I am very happy when I am doing schoolwork and becoming something great. I just seem to always have a tiny piece of me that feels like it is missing out on something. Whether it be late night outs doing, as we say, “hood rat shit,” with my friends from home or just having a fun night in with the girls…I feel like I am missing out. I guess maybe it is because my friendships I have made at Palmer are still new and we are all kind of going through the same thing. That, I’ve heard, happens to a lot of people at this level of schooling. It is hard and intense and there is a lot of work and it is easy for one to go crazy by themselves. At DePaul I made a really good friend right off the bat. It was by chance. We met at orientation and ended up having the same exact birthday. But, at DePaul it was different because we all lived on the same campus and could easily talk and see each other. But here we all have our own apartment and live away from each other. I do live with my brother and we get along and have a good time, but sometimes a girl just needs her girlfriends. It gets hard sometimes seeing all my friends from back home post so many Snapchat stories of them all hanging out and hanging around the boys I like from home. It is almost a slight jealousy or envy that I feel. That is a major flaw I have. I let boys dictate my emotions a lot. Even if I do not have feelings for the boys, if I am into them, I wish to be around them and when I cannot be I envy those that can. Stupid, I know. I know that I would not rather not be at Palmer and be back home, but I still miss it. I went from a lifestyle of always being on something to staying in every night and studying and spending all of my time by myself. Even at DePaul I seemed to always be on something a little fun or crazy, but life is different here. Sometimes I will go out and have drinks and a good time with friends, but that is maybe once a month. I honestly feel like a child living in an adult world. I am in an adult world because I am in graduate school. I pay bills. I live on my own (with my brother). I make my own choices. I live my own life. But, I feel like a child because well…I am nineteen years old. I am young and naive and I have the urges to do young and naive things.
I look back and read what I just wrote and maybe it is full of excuses or silly reasons to be stressed…but nevertheless, that is what I feel and what I feel is valid. I say that “I know things will get better,” “I know that I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else,” “I know that it’ll all be worth it,” but that does not make it any less hard. You can know something to it’s core, but the journey still be challenging…and damn it is challenging. I knew that it was going to be difficult, but there are some difficulties that I did not expect to experience. I have to learn how to let go of home. Not in a way where I forget about everyone there, but in a way where I acknowledge that I love people there, but I have to live my own life. I guess I worry that people will just forget about me. Or replace me. I love my friends making new friends and I know real friends survive through anything, but it is just an insecurity that I have. A lot of these stresses are driven from insecurities. I need to work on destroying those. Which is why I am trying to start blogging/writing again. I also want to read more and maybe take up cooking. I need to add value to my life and add excitement and depth, because if not I will truly go crazy.