Follow me through my journey as a young, mixed race woman trekking her way through the world and studying her way through chiropractic school. Stay tuned as I give advice, document my life, and probably complain a little bit here and there. There is no solid theme to this blog because life isn’t solid and nothing ever goes as planned. Stay positive. Xx
A poem about the journey of new love, heartbreak and finally healing. Enjoy.
That feeling In my stomach Your name on my phone That feeling The first time it was you and I alone Blood racing through my heart I’ve been hit by Cupid’s dart That feeling Oh how I loved that feeling The messages The calls The FaceTimes The visits Oh that feeling was so exquisite Hands interlocked, I’m rubbing your thumb When we were together, we were not two, but one That feeling Your kisses down my neck, my waist, and my thighs, I called it making love, not sex. You were mine in my eyes. That feeling Turned into something unusual and different One day we’re at dinner And the next we are distant That feeling Is space growing in between our souls All I could ask the universe was, “what is your goal?” That feeling The sadness deep in my chest The only thing that cures it is a forced, unsatisfactory nights rest My heart It beats So fast I’m scared For it is now anxiety, not love, in my chest that is bared The tingles in my skin I’m numb I can’t take it That feeling When you left me My heart...why did you break it? I cried and I wept and I screamed and I cursed That feeling Everything you said now seems rehearsed The questioning The doubt The self hate And the hurt That feeling Why was my heart kicked around like dirt? That feeling It’s different. It’s weakened. It’s far. No longer do I question why I feel emotions so raw I look back at the tears, the hurt, the weeping and screams I smile because pain is not as bad as it seems I construct my reality and power do I have The stab in my chest is now a scar, not a scab That feeling That soars through my body all day I’m happy and cheerful like a newborn puppy at play. That feeling Time passes. Rebirthing. Renew. That feeling Like a caterpillar flourishing out of its cocoon A blue butterfly taking its first flight in the world That feeling I am no longer a broken-hearted girl
The age old question of “should I be friends with my ex?” will never have a surefire answer and it is personal to everyone, but this is my opinion on the matter. Some may agree and some may disagree, but nevertheless it is merely an opinion and this is not a personal attack on anyone. Feel free to feel whatever you may please.
For starters, this question is not a “should I hate my ex,” versus “should I respect my ex?” Because you should not hate anyone and you should (try to) respect everyone. This is more of a…”should I incorporate my ex into my life just as I do my other friends?” Of course it matters what the situation regarding the break-up was. In situations of abuse and obvious mistreatment, that person does not deserve access to you and your life. When children are involved things get difficult…but for this case I’m focusing on break-ups not concerned with children or abuse.
Everyone starts to date for a reason and one of those reasons (most likely) was that you and your ex got along and found pleasure in spending time with each other. So, you are both friends and significant others, because you wouldn’t date someone that you weren’t friends with (in most cases). But then if you found such pleasure in each others time…why would you break-up? The reasons are endless…but it seems that all of the reasons go back to one person being more committed than the other. When you find yourself becoming committed to someone and only having a desire for them, your heart, soul, and body become involved with that other person. There is something about humans and the way that we love that just consumes us. By consuming I don’t mean that you revolve your life around it, but you consider that person in everything you do….because when you have a relationship with someone, especially a romantic one, your actions effect them whether you like it or not.
So, when you experience such deep emotions and then someone cheats on you, or decides that they don’t want to be in a relationship with you because it is just not what they want anymore…and you’re not on the same level of disinterest as them…it hurts…badly. You find yourself questioning everything you did. Asking yourself, “where did I go wrong? what could I have done differently?” You just keep fighting yourself until eventually you realize that you did nothing wrong. And you did not have to do anything differently. I’m guessing that most of us distance ourselves from our exes for a while because we all know that we cannot heal if we are surrounded by the person that left us feeling broken every day. That would be like sending a former alcoholic to the bar after they get their first sobriety chip. You need distance from what hurt you before you can surround yourself with it without feeling the negative feelings you did before. Even if you still love them, and you still will, sometimes we have to keep the things we love the most the furthest away from us.
But when you find yourself feeling better and you find that you no longer have an attachment to that person. You see their name on your phone or see them on social media and your heart no longer skips a beat. Someone mentions their name and you don’t feeling a pang in your chest. Your emotions are no longer easily influenced by their presence. You have healed (mostly) from the tragedy of a broken heart. What do you do then? What you shouldn’t do is go out of your way to have them in your life. If you come across them in public…say hi. If you see something they say on social media and you want to like it, retweet it, share it, or anything in the like…do it. If they say something to you in public or social media, then respond. But if you start to let them into your life more, then the chances of you gaining back the deep emotions and feelings that you have spent SO much time training yourself to not experience and live without will more likely than not come back. You have to remind yourself, as painful as it sounds, that they do not feel for you the way that you’ve felt for them….unless of course they say so. But, then again, the idea that someone only realizes how much they feel for you when you are gone are risky waters to be treading in. To me that just sounds like uncertainty…but that’s a different topic.
What I am getting at, since I have really dragged out the question of, “should I be friends with my ex?” is that…you should be friendly with your ex but you shouldn’t be friends with them. The term friends is used very loosely these days, but if you really think about it…you guys aren’t really friends. I’d say the word phrase old friends would be more suiting. Eventually as you grow into the person you are without them you’ll even seem more like strangers. Pain changes people and the person you were when you were with them will not be the same person you are when you aren’t with them.
If you think you can maintain close contact with your ex and not gain feelings for them again…then go for it. There is nothing stopping you, but remember there is nothing forcing you either. It does not make you a bad person to not maintain a solid friendship with them. As long as you respect their name and send love their way (as you should do for everyone, whether you know them or not) you are doing everything right. If they want to be friends with you and it is too painful for you, be honest with them and if they cannot understand that…they eventually will…I promise.
Also keep in mind that you don’t have to burn the bridge because burning bridges is never good. Just don’t work on the bridge for a few seasons. This is not a grudge you are holding. It is just you living your life the healthiest way for you. There are many people that we have met that we care for, but don’t necessarily go out of our way for them to be in our lives. If years pass and you two have grown into different people…maybe things can work. But also remember to NOT wait on that and to carry on your life without the thought that maybe you two will meet again. Just let life happen and try not to actively wonder about those things.
I pray that you all feel better if you are going through a break-up or any painful experience…it gets better. The new you will be beautiful and thriving and wonderful. I pray you all find love for yourself and find yourself surrounded by everything good.
After taking a much needed break from school as my first trimester at Palmer College of Chiropractic came to an end, I would like to update my followers on some things that I have done during that time. I went to my first music festival, the Suwannee Hulaween Music Festival, in Live Oak, Florida October 24-27th with my 21-year-old brother Noah.
This experience was something that I had no idea I needed and it is one that I will hold dear to my heart. I know that this is the first of many music festivals that I will go to and there are several reasons for that. To put this experience into words seems impossible, but I will do my best.
Starting with the venue, this place is magical. It is like a big forest campground. The energy that is in the air is flooded with good vibrations and happiness. You step foot into the Suwannee Music Park and everything from the outside doesn’t matter anymore. You see the smiles and hear the laughs of the people around you and their happiness floods your soul. The venue is quite large and I cannot fathom the amount of people that were there…yet…it seemed like such a tight-knit community despite the size. The sense of community in a place where a majority of the people do not know each other is something I have never felt before. Even though it was my first time being there I felt an automatic sense of comfort and I felt the freedom to be myself. I felt at home.
There are also so many vendors there from food to clothing to a vendor with hundreds of types of sunglasses. The food was spectacular and the clothing was beautiful and unique. Everything about this place is beautiful and unique. I loved seeing everyone walk around in their rave costumes and outfits. I just loved seeing everyone be themselves because this is truly a place of zero judgement and undying love. I told my parents that you could wear a gigantic chicken outfit and dance like a chicken and even bawk like a chicken and people wouldn’t judge you…hell they’d probably even join you. I could be my weird self and I say that in a happy and positive way because weird is so damn beautiful. We are all weird. Life is weird. Humans are so damn weird. And to be in a place where I can be weird gave me a phenomenal feeling. My ABSOLUTE favorite place was called Spirit Lake. This place can be described in one word: mystical. It was like a utopia. Perfect. We spent the first night here and we saw PEEKABOO and Whipped Cream. I would have to say that that was the best night out of them all, although they were all amazing. I wish words could do this experience justice, but nothing I say and no pictures or videos could match the experience in real life.
I have no idea why there is such a stigma around bass and EDM and all the music in the like. But, I could care less about what people think because I see all music as beautiful. The artists that we saw were all so talented and I felt transformed after each show. A few of my favorites were: PEEKABOO, Whipped Cream, Bassnectar, SoDown, and The String Cheese Incident. Each of these artists put so much emotion into their work….especially the first four artists that I listed. One thing that I like about these types of shows is that everyone is headbanging in their own personal way. I think that is because everyone is focused on a different part of the beat and everyone feels the music in a different way than those around them. We are all just in our own world and are getting lifted away with the music on our own. It is the most individual yet together feeling I have felt. You look around and everyone is feeling the music so intensely and you’re feeling the music…and you just feel at home.
There are people going around with those gloves with lights on the tips of the fingers and I have never been so mesmerized. Beautiful men and women with lights all over their outfits, or wands with long strands of lights dancing, taking you to a different place. Everyone is giving love and you’re giving love. You feel safe too…that is something I enjoyed very much. I was wearing revealing outfits, yet I did not feel objectified or disrespected ONCE. You know those “creepy old guys” that we all have experienced? I did not encounter ONE. They are just older men who are chill as hell. Coming from a town where so many men are objectifying and so many girls judge you for being different, this place truly was a utopia and I loved every second of my time there.
The Overall Experience
Life-changing. This was the best welcoming into the rave community. I yearn to be in this environment again. It was healing for my soul. I learned so much about myself in just those four days. I changed and that is not an overreaction. There are no words that amount to this experience and my only advice is to go to a show or music festival yourself. All music is wonderful….but there is nothing like EDM/bass. Each beat is so strategically placed and the artist becomes the music and puts their entire self into it. The venue is breathtaking and magical. The people are beautiful inside and out. It is like a place where there is a cool version of everyone you know and have ever met and then some! This is a home away from home. This is a community that is accepting of all. This is a place where you can be yourself and face no judgement as long as you give out love. I could have made this post a thirty minute read, but it still wouldn’t do the experience justice…you’ll just have to take my word for it.
Here are some of the outfits that I wore:
This is just a photo of my brother and I looking fresh as hell our first day back home from Hula:
I show up with my mother and everyone is shook, I show up with my father and they don’t give a second look. But she’s white and I’m not, we mustn’t be related. Damn, that’s the type of thing that I have always hated. The looks and the glares, you think I can’t feel your despair? Sometimes hate is silent, but you always know when it is there.
I want to be a doctor and you laugh in my face, then you hand me some track spikes and tell me to go race. I speak on the problems that make my heart crack, but then you have the nerve to tell me, “you aren’t even black.” You scoff when I “bring up slavery and history again,” when you don’t even realize that there was no end.
No end to the brutality from those that protect us. No end to the fear and the severe lack of trust. No end to the comments, “is this your real hair? can i touch it?” Oh, and don’t forget, “how do you even brush ‘it’?” Frizzy. And big. Unruly. And nappy. But when you get a perm, it’s “perfect,” are you happy?
No end to the nerves when you meet someone’s parents. You dress to impress in hopes of earning their clearance. The thoughts racing through your mind, “do they know that I’m black? are they okay with that?” In fear that they might think your presence poses as an attack.
I’m not black enough, but I’m black when you need me. I’m black when I wear a hood and all of a sudden I am creepy. I’m black when you need a black friend to seem not racist. I’m black when the police ask me why I am around certain places. I’m black when you want to seem cultured and pure. But I’m not black enough when you think you can use the n-word. You say, “I forget you’re black,” as if that makes it okay? I don’t care how close we are, that is something that should never say, no matter the time or the day.
Slang from my mouth makes me hood and ghetto, but slang from yours makes you chill, on the down low. You think that I only listen to R&B and rap and when I say I am scared to get pulled over you say, “don’t overreact.” But tell me, do you feel your stomach churn at the news? When you hear the too familiar words,”black thug dies,” because I do. Or worry about your father or brother when they drive. And pray that they don’t get pulled over and make it home alive, rather than end up another lost black life. Do people around you roll your eyes, when you say that #BlackLivesMatter because you don’t want anyone else to die?
Do you find yourself stressed when you explain to your friends, if “All Lives Mattered,” then so many blacks wouldn’t be shot dead. They tell you, “it’s all in your head, there’s no issue,” can you say that to the mother crying over her son’s beaten dead body tissue? They don’t understand that we know that every cop isn’t bad, but some are corrupt and the fact that they can’t see that is sad.
You don’t sound black. Or act black. Or speak it. Or dress it. Can black not be calm? Classy? Or literate? You fear the progression of black all around you. You’re clenching your purse because of what? A tattoo? I raise a concern and that makes me sassy and rude. I dress how I feel confident, but anything I wear is lewd.
She’s light-skin, she’s mixed, she can’t say she’s black. Tell that to the people who’ve called me a nigger and laughed. Tell that to the security guard who put me outside, when my two fairer skinned friends got to stay inside. Tell that to the kids who stare at me in discomfort, when the word slave or racism is mentioned before us. Tell that to the high-school counselor that drove me away, from attending a college that was situated too close to Alabama one day.
The privilege I receive from my lighter toned black, is evident and real, but I will always be under attack. All black is beautiful and all black is assaulted. No matter the shade, society wants us all to be exhausted. My melanin is radiant and my curls are fucking fire. I have never and will never be an affirmative action hire.
I am smart and hard-working and earned my spot, not by fault. I land an achievement and all of a sudden everyone is salt. I will not fall prey to this self-fulfilling prophecy, that has succumbed too many living in this sad ass democracy. I’m black and I’m white and I’m bold and I’m bright. I’m everything you could ever want and I will not go down without a fight.
I love school. I love learning. I love listening to professors. I love discussions. I love homework. I love studying. And I love seeing results reflect my effort. Starting at Palmer College of Chiropractic has been my dream since I was eight years old. I’ve always had the dream of helping others, but through natural medicine was the way I wished to do so.
Although I love being at Palmer, it has not been an easy road. During my first year of college, at DePaul University, the fall following my high school graduation in May 2018 I took a full-load my last two quarters at DePaul along with an additional two online courses at Illinois Valley Community College. This was very challenging for me. I was in seven classes at a time and I constantly had work to do. What kept me motivated? I knew that this was what I had to do to reach my goal…besides I loved all of the classes I was in and I learned a lot of material that was of much benefit to me.
As I arrived for my first day of class at Palmer, I knew that I was about to embark on a four year journey that would consist of heavy struggles, stressful tears, and endless smiles of achievement. As I am currently in the undergraduate program at Palmer until July 2020, I have had light course work in comparison with what is to come. I know that as I begin the doctorate program in July 2020 that I will be in a whole new world and have an entirely different level of responsibility on my shoulders, but even this first trimester has been different than all of my years of schooling.
The environment at this school is wonderful, but it took a little while to get adjusted to. Being 19 years old at a professional school where the average age is 26 is more rewarding than it is not. I have definitely felt myself mature and grow stronger focus during these past three months, and I am grateful for that. Sometimes it is difficult when I see videos and pictures of close friends at their college homecoming football games, constant Greek life events, dorm shenanigans, and the mountainous supply of food from the dining hall. I realize it was my choice to cut my time at a four-year college down to one year and I have no regret with that choice, but sometimes it all really does stress me out. I find myself surrounded by like-minded individuals that are decades older than me and some that are just half a decade. I think that there is maybe one other student that I have met that is under 20 years old. It makes me feel out of place sometimes, but this school has been nothing but welcoming. Regardless of whatever emotion is running through my body, I know that this is all for something great and that all of the stress will be worth it and that is what pushes me to keep on keeping on.
I’ve dedicated myself completely to myself and to my schooling and it has been good for me. I used to fear missing out with my friends at home while I was at DePaul and I was constantly visiting because I didn’t want to be forgotten, but since I have been at Palmer things have changed. I miss my friends and family and I miss being home, but I know that they’re still here no matter what. I find myself feeling a since of home here and I have started to find great comfort in my own company. Spending weeks by yourself, day and night, is healing for the soul and I don’t fear being alone anymore. I look forward to coming back to my apartment after class to make note-cards, study for my next exam, or just watch a few episodes of a favorite show. As the trimester ends and as my grades are in a very strong place, I look back at the trimester and I am pleased. I had many nights full of crying and feeling broken for various reasons, and overcoming those feelings with no one around me was difficult, but necessary for my growth. I worry less because I know that most things are not worth my energy and most things do not matter that much. I developed a great study ethic and uncovered a form of determination that I never knew I had. This first trimester has changed my life and has molded me into a stronger person in ways that extend much further than my life as a scholar.
There is a long road that lies ahead of me, but I know that I am equipped with the grit and resilience to get past anything that comes my way. And let me tell you, with absolute confidence, that you are too. Go out and chase your dreams right now, because there really is no time like the present. We aren’t too young to start turning our hopes and dreams into reality. You are capable of greatness, all you need to do is believe that you are and it will come.
In my last post I made a comment on reactions. I know this is something that is difficult and not even close to being simple…but nevertheless it is important. The life that we are living is going to be filled with people who are put here to build and test our strength. The stupidity and the carelessness of others is out of our control and it is ultimately inevitable. No matter how good of a person we are or how selfless our actions are, we will never have complete control of the world that surrounds us. Whether is is nature or other people, some things are out of our control…and that is just life.One thing that we can control is the way we choose to live our lives and react to the good and bad things that happen.
Starting with the bad, I know at times life seems impossible, but we must fight like hell and carry on. We are powerful, resilient, and flexible beings. We are able to withstand great trauma and pressure…we have the ability to adapt to many different circumstances. Our bodies can utilize different systems and our parasympathetic or sympathetic nervous systems can change the way that our bodies function in order to survive. Survival is written in human DNA and survive is what we all must and will do.
When things go bad, it is okay to recognize that it is bad. Do not ignore the bad because that will lead to nothing good to come. Acknowledge the bad, even look yourself in the mirror and vocalize the bad to yourself. Feel the bad. Experience the bad. But then tell yourself that this bad is not forever. You have to realize that whatever has happened has happened. The past is tricky because although the past can effect the present, the past is ultimately the past and it can never be changed. I am going to say that again. The past can never and will never be changed. No matter what we do, no change will ever occur to the past. What can be changed is the future. We can better our mindset and try everything in our power to make this life a better one. I know it may sound silly, but you really do have to tell yourself that everything will be okay. Talk to yourself and be there for yourself, because if you are not there for yourself…why would the world? Even when the bad seems to be the end…you have to try and ease your reaction in a different direction. Once you start to focus on the way you react to things, you will notice that the anger, sadness, guilt, jealousy, and despair that you feel won’t last as long. If someone does something that would normally make you angry or if someone hurts you and makes you sad…you can feel that emotion, but work on feeling it for a shorter time. Life is too short to be clouded with negative emotions that ultimately only take their toll on the self.
Now for the good, each and every time something happens in your life that makes you smile or makes your eyes light up, thank the universe. Even if it is something as simple as hitting all green lights on your way home or getting eleven chicken nuggets when you ordered ten…smile because as cliche as it may sound, the little things in life are often the profound ones. You have to find joy in all things in life because this life we have only lasts for a set amount of time…and why live it with anything other than joy? Step outside and look around you. The sun is shining, there is that plentiful oxygen in the air, and the sky is blue. Even in the wake of a storm. The smell of oncoming rain fills your nasal cavity, the booming sound of thunder and lightning vibrates your tympanic membrane, and the breeze chills your skin. You are alive and you are feeling and experiencing the beautiful world around you. Once you start to feel joy in all the things that surround you, you will notice that joy will be abundant in comparison to despair.
Do me a favor. Do yourself a favor. Do the world a favor. Choose to be happy. It takes effort. So much effort. It will not come easy. You need to tell yourself that you are worth it and I’m telling you right now that you are worth it. You need to decide to react to things that have happened and that have yet to happen in a positive way. That test you are dreading? Stop dreading it. Thinking that, “I am going to fail,” “Nothing good will come,” “I should have studied more,” that will not change anything. Instead think, “I will do my best and the grade I receive is what I receive and it is not reflective on my ability or who I am as a person.” If you don’t get the best grade…accept it and move on. What is done is done. That relationship didn’t work out? Be sad about it if you may, but then realize that it happened for a reason and it cannot be undone. Heartbreak and sadness are inevitable, but happiness and joy are always possible. Some things may take longer to get over and to grow past…but as long as you tell yourself that you will see brighter days…keep on keeping on. Your reactions lead to actions which leads to changes in your life. Your reactions are very powerful. I want you to understand that as deeply as you can. We are all in this life together and we all experience hurt and trauma. You are never alone, so please never feel that way. You have the power to control the way you react, take charge of your life and commit yourself to yourself because you deserve that. Make your life beautiful despite the unavoidable evil that lurks in the dark depths of the universe. You have the choice, so choose you.
I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I owe much of my growth to my break-up from several months ago. I experienced a large amount of anger and sadness for longer than I intended, but that experience made me a stronger person. I underwent a lot of self-reflection and I reached an all-time-low, which only prompted myself to work towards an all-time-high. While I was very sad, most of what I felt was anger. Even in other past experiences that have caused me emotional distress, I mostly felt anger. I was angry at the world for allowing such a thing to happen at me. I was angry at the person or thing for hurting me. I was angry at myself for allowing myself to hurt. I was constantly angry. I knew that I needed to change and I worked hard to reach that change…which is definitely easier said than done. I am still working on myself and I will be working on myself until my last breath. I would like to share my thought process on anger and how to be a less angry person.
It all starts with recognizing that you are angry. You need to be aware of yourself and of your feelings. You cannot deny anger. Even look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “I am angry. […] made me angry. I feel anger.” It sounds silly, but confronting yourself face-to-face is very powerful. When you recognize that you are angry, breathe in and absorb ALL of that anger and your angry thoughts for either one deep breath in or several breaths in and then when you exhale, release that anger until you feel a sense of calmness. Next you need to realize that anger never got anyone anywhere good. I met a wise man this past weekend on October 5th, 2019 at my close friend, Kavishka’s, “Dandiya Night,” and he told me something that stayed with me. He said that, “anger is self-punishment for the stupidity of others.” When you are angry, those emotions and the feelings you get hurt yourself. Yes, you may act on those emotions and do something to hurt another person, but that is separate issue because although you are completely responsible for your actions, others are also partially responsible for their reactions. We are focusing on you right now and the way your actions influence you.
How exactly is anger self-punishment? When you are angry you are filled with negative thoughts and energy. Those thoughts and energy control just about everything. If you have a negative thought that turns into a negative action, which turns into a negative response, which turns into a negative event, which creates a negative environment and so on and so forth. One small sliver of negativity has enough power to destroy the entire world and it is up to us, as individuals, to rid of that negativity. You have to turn the bad into good or else you will never survive. You have to realize that the past is over with and nothing will change it. You have to realize that the future is coming, but you cannot dwell on an event that hasn’t occurred. You have to set yourself in the present moment and tell yourself that you are where you are supposed to be. You have to tell yourself that everything is okay, because in all reality it is.
I know that people can really just piss us all off sometimes. And sometimes, even if we work on controlling anger, we can slip up and let it consume us for a little longer than it should. Stupidity, unfortunately, is inevitable; but, how we respond is completely up to us. It is a process that will take time. And this process isn’t a full circle, it is rather a wave that continues on forever, but the wavelengths between our negative reactions (the crests and troughs) get further and further apart. But if you commit yourself to yourself then you can have growth. Let people be mad. Let people be negative. But fight like hell to protect yourself from that negative energy. Don’t beat yourself up if you do slip-up because mistakes will happen, but if there is truly good intention that surrounds them, then that is okay. Take a few deep breaths in and out and just literally tell yourself, out loud, that everything will be okay. Tell yourself that you are stronger than this inconvenience. Tell yourself that you will get past this. Tell yourself that nothing and no one is worth anger that will only end up hurting you more than anyone else.
Once you begin this journey you will recognize a less angry life for yourself. You may even recognize good starting to come your way. Positive energy is like a bright light to a moth in a dark room. Attraction is strong and it starts off subtle and then all of a sudden you are surrounded by abundance. Take care of yourself. You are worth the effort. It only seems like a lot of effort at first, but then self-love just becomes leg-work the more you do it. Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are worth it because you are. You do not need to feel anger, your soul is far too beautiful to be surrounded by such an energy. Carry on with love and love will come.