That Feeling – A Poem

A poem about the journey of new love, heartbreak and finally healing. Enjoy.

That feeling 
In my stomach 
Your name on my phone 
That feeling 
The first time it was you and I alone 
Blood racing through my heart 
I’ve been hit by Cupid’s dart 
That feeling 
Oh how I loved that feeling 
 
The messages 
The calls 
The FaceTimes 
The visits 
Oh that feeling was so exquisite  
Hands interlocked, I’m rubbing your thumb 
When we were together, we were not two, but one 
 
That feeling 
Your kisses down my neck, my waist, and my thighs,  
I called it making love, not sex. You were mine in my eyes. 
 
That feeling 
Turned into something unusual and different 
One day we’re at dinner  
And the next we are distant 
That feeling 
Is space growing in between our souls 
All I could ask the universe was, “what is your goal?” 
 
That feeling  
The sadness deep in my chest 
The only thing that cures it is a forced, unsatisfactory nights rest 
 
My heart  
It beats  
So fast  
I’m scared 
For it is now anxiety, not love, in my chest that is bared 
The tingles in my skin 
I’m numb 
I can’t take it  
That feeling 
When you left me 
My heart...why did you break it? 
 
I cried and I wept and I screamed and I cursed 
That feeling  
Everything you said now seems rehearsed  
The questioning 
The doubt 
The self hate 
And the hurt 
That feeling 
Why was my heart kicked around like dirt? 
 
That feeling 
It’s different. It’s weakened. It’s far.  
No longer do I question why I feel emotions so raw 
I look back at the tears, the hurt, the weeping and screams 
I smile because pain is not as bad as it seems 
 
I construct my reality and power do I have 
The stab in my chest is now a scar, not a scab 
That feeling 
That soars through my body all day 
I’m happy and cheerful like a newborn puppy at play.  
 
That feeling 
Time passes. Rebirthing. Renew. 
That feeling 
Like a caterpillar flourishing out of its cocoon 
A blue butterfly taking its first flight in the world 
That feeling 
I am no longer a broken-hearted girl  

Anger

I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I owe much of my growth to my break-up from several months ago. I experienced a large amount of anger and sadness for longer than I intended, but that experience made me a stronger person. I underwent a lot of self-reflection and I reached an all-time-low, which only prompted myself to work towards an all-time-high. While I was very sad, most of what I felt was anger. Even in other past experiences that have caused me emotional distress, I mostly felt anger. I was angry at the world for allowing such a thing to happen at me. I was angry at the person or thing for hurting me. I was angry at myself for allowing myself to hurt. I was constantly angry. I knew that I needed to change and I worked hard to reach that change…which is definitely easier said than done. I am still working on myself and I will be working on myself until my last breath. I would like to share my thought process on anger and how to be a less angry person.

It all starts with recognizing that you are angry. You need to be aware of yourself and of your feelings. You cannot deny anger. Even look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “I am angry. […] made me angry. I feel anger.” It sounds silly, but confronting yourself face-to-face is very powerful. When you recognize that you are angry, breathe in and absorb ALL of that anger and your angry thoughts for either one deep breath in or several breaths in and then when you exhale, release that anger until you feel a sense of calmness. Next you need to realize that anger never got anyone anywhere good. I met a wise man this past weekend on October 5th, 2019 at my close friend, Kavishka’s, “Dandiya Night,” and he told me something that stayed with me. He said that, “anger is self-punishment for the stupidity of others.” When you are angry, those emotions and the feelings you get hurt yourself. Yes, you may act on those emotions and do something to hurt another person, but that is separate issue because although you are completely responsible for your actions, others are also partially responsible for their reactions. We are focusing on you right now and the way your actions influence you.

How exactly is anger self-punishment? When you are angry you are filled with negative thoughts and energy. Those thoughts and energy control just about everything. If you have a negative thought that turns into a negative action, which turns into a negative response, which turns into a negative event, which creates a negative environment and so on and so forth. One small sliver of negativity has enough power to destroy the entire world and it is up to us, as individuals, to rid of that negativity. You have to turn the bad into good or else you will never survive. You have to realize that the past is over with and nothing will change it. You have to realize that the future is coming, but you cannot dwell on an event that hasn’t occurred. You have to set yourself in the present moment and tell yourself that you are where you are supposed to be. You have to tell yourself that everything is okay, because in all reality it is.

I know that people can really just piss us all off sometimes. And sometimes, even if we work on controlling anger, we can slip up and let it consume us for a little longer than it should. Stupidity, unfortunately, is inevitable; but, how we respond is completely up to us. It is a process that will take time. And this process isn’t a full circle, it is rather a wave that continues on forever, but the wavelengths between our negative reactions (the crests and troughs) get further and further apart. But if you commit yourself to yourself then you can have growth. Let people be mad. Let people be negative. But fight like hell to protect yourself from that negative energy. Don’t beat yourself up if you do slip-up because mistakes will happen, but if there is truly good intention that surrounds them, then that is okay. Take a few deep breaths in and out and just literally tell yourself, out loud, that everything will be okay. Tell yourself that you are stronger than this inconvenience. Tell yourself that you will get past this. Tell yourself that nothing and no one is worth anger that will only end up hurting you more than anyone else.

Once you begin this journey you will recognize a less angry life for yourself. You may even recognize good starting to come your way. Positive energy is like a bright light to a moth in a dark room. Attraction is strong and it starts off subtle and then all of a sudden you are surrounded by abundance. Take care of yourself. You are worth the effort. It only seems like a lot of effort at first, but then self-love just becomes leg-work the more you do it. Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are worth it because you are. You do not need to feel anger, your soul is far too beautiful to be surrounded by such an energy. Carry on with love and love will come.