That Feeling – A Poem

A poem about the journey of new love, heartbreak and finally healing. Enjoy.

That feeling 
In my stomach 
Your name on my phone 
That feeling 
The first time it was you and I alone 
Blood racing through my heart 
I’ve been hit by Cupid’s dart 
That feeling 
Oh how I loved that feeling 
 
The messages 
The calls 
The FaceTimes 
The visits 
Oh that feeling was so exquisite  
Hands interlocked, I’m rubbing your thumb 
When we were together, we were not two, but one 
 
That feeling 
Your kisses down my neck, my waist, and my thighs,  
I called it making love, not sex. You were mine in my eyes. 
 
That feeling 
Turned into something unusual and different 
One day we’re at dinner  
And the next we are distant 
That feeling 
Is space growing in between our souls 
All I could ask the universe was, “what is your goal?” 
 
That feeling  
The sadness deep in my chest 
The only thing that cures it is a forced, unsatisfactory nights rest 
 
My heart  
It beats  
So fast  
I’m scared 
For it is now anxiety, not love, in my chest that is bared 
The tingles in my skin 
I’m numb 
I can’t take it  
That feeling 
When you left me 
My heart...why did you break it? 
 
I cried and I wept and I screamed and I cursed 
That feeling  
Everything you said now seems rehearsed  
The questioning 
The doubt 
The self hate 
And the hurt 
That feeling 
Why was my heart kicked around like dirt? 
 
That feeling 
It’s different. It’s weakened. It’s far.  
No longer do I question why I feel emotions so raw 
I look back at the tears, the hurt, the weeping and screams 
I smile because pain is not as bad as it seems 
 
I construct my reality and power do I have 
The stab in my chest is now a scar, not a scab 
That feeling 
That soars through my body all day 
I’m happy and cheerful like a newborn puppy at play.  
 
That feeling 
Time passes. Rebirthing. Renew. 
That feeling 
Like a caterpillar flourishing out of its cocoon 
A blue butterfly taking its first flight in the world 
That feeling 
I am no longer a broken-hearted girl  

Reactions

In my last post I made a comment on reactions. I know this is something that is difficult and not even close to being simple…but nevertheless it is important. The life that we are living is going to be filled with people who are put here to build and test our strength. The stupidity and the carelessness of others is out of our control and it is ultimately inevitable. No matter how good of a person we are or how selfless our actions are, we will never have complete control of the world that surrounds us. Whether is is nature or other people, some things are out of our control…and that is just life.One thing that we can control is the way we choose to live our lives and react to the good and bad things that happen.

Starting with the bad, I know at times life seems impossible, but we must fight like hell and carry on. We are powerful, resilient, and flexible beings. We are able to withstand great trauma and pressure…we have the ability to adapt to many different circumstances. Our bodies can utilize different systems and our parasympathetic or sympathetic nervous systems can change the way that our bodies function in order to survive. Survival is written in human DNA and survive is what we all must and will do.

When things go bad, it is okay to recognize that it is bad. Do not ignore the bad because that will lead to nothing good to come. Acknowledge the bad, even look yourself in the mirror and vocalize the bad to yourself. Feel the bad. Experience the bad. But then tell yourself that this bad is not forever. You have to realize that whatever has happened has happened. The past is tricky because although the past can effect the present, the past is ultimately the past and it can never be changed. I am going to say that again. The past can never and will never be changed. No matter what we do, no change will ever occur to the past. What can be changed is the future. We can better our mindset and try everything in our power to make this life a better one. I know it may sound silly, but you really do have to tell yourself that everything will be okay. Talk to yourself and be there for yourself, because if you are not there for yourself…why would the world? Even when the bad seems to be the end…you have to try and ease your reaction in a different direction. Once you start to focus on the way you react to things, you will notice that the anger, sadness, guilt, jealousy, and despair that you feel won’t last as long. If someone does something that would normally make you angry or if someone hurts you and makes you sad…you can feel that emotion, but work on feeling it for a shorter time. Life is too short to be clouded with negative emotions that ultimately only take their toll on the self.

Now for the good, each and every time something happens in your life that makes you smile or makes your eyes light up, thank the universe. Even if it is something as simple as hitting all green lights on your way home or getting eleven chicken nuggets when you ordered ten…smile because as cliche as it may sound, the little things in life are often the profound ones. You have to find joy in all things in life because this life we have only lasts for a set amount of time…and why live it with anything other than joy? Step outside and look around you. The sun is shining, there is that plentiful oxygen in the air, and the sky is blue. Even in the wake of a storm. The smell of oncoming rain fills your nasal cavity, the booming sound of thunder and lightning vibrates your tympanic membrane, and the breeze chills your skin. You are alive and you are feeling and experiencing the beautiful world around you. Once you start to feel joy in all the things that surround you, you will notice that joy will be abundant in comparison to despair.

Do me a favor. Do yourself a favor. Do the world a favor. Choose to be happy. It takes effort. So much effort. It will not come easy. You need to tell yourself that you are worth it and I’m telling you right now that you are worth it. You need to decide to react to things that have happened and that have yet to happen in a positive way. That test you are dreading? Stop dreading it. Thinking that, “I am going to fail,” “Nothing good will come,” “I should have studied more,” that will not change anything. Instead think, “I will do my best and the grade I receive is what I receive and it is not reflective on my ability or who I am as a person.” If you don’t get the best grade…accept it and move on. What is done is done. That relationship didn’t work out? Be sad about it if you may, but then realize that it happened for a reason and it cannot be undone. Heartbreak and sadness are inevitable, but happiness and joy are always possible. Some things may take longer to get over and to grow past…but as long as you tell yourself that you will see brighter days…keep on keeping on. Your reactions lead to actions which leads to changes in your life. Your reactions are very powerful. I want you to understand that as deeply as you can. We are all in this life together and we all experience hurt and trauma. You are never alone, so please never feel that way. You have the power to control the way you react, take charge of your life and commit yourself to yourself because you deserve that. Make your life beautiful despite the unavoidable evil that lurks in the dark depths of the universe. You have the choice, so choose you.