That Feeling – A Poem

A poem about the journey of new love, heartbreak and finally healing. Enjoy.

That feeling 
In my stomach 
Your name on my phone 
That feeling 
The first time it was you and I alone 
Blood racing through my heart 
I’ve been hit by Cupid’s dart 
That feeling 
Oh how I loved that feeling 
 
The messages 
The calls 
The FaceTimes 
The visits 
Oh that feeling was so exquisite  
Hands interlocked, I’m rubbing your thumb 
When we were together, we were not two, but one 
 
That feeling 
Your kisses down my neck, my waist, and my thighs,  
I called it making love, not sex. You were mine in my eyes. 
 
That feeling 
Turned into something unusual and different 
One day we’re at dinner  
And the next we are distant 
That feeling 
Is space growing in between our souls 
All I could ask the universe was, “what is your goal?” 
 
That feeling  
The sadness deep in my chest 
The only thing that cures it is a forced, unsatisfactory nights rest 
 
My heart  
It beats  
So fast  
I’m scared 
For it is now anxiety, not love, in my chest that is bared 
The tingles in my skin 
I’m numb 
I can’t take it  
That feeling 
When you left me 
My heart...why did you break it? 
 
I cried and I wept and I screamed and I cursed 
That feeling  
Everything you said now seems rehearsed  
The questioning 
The doubt 
The self hate 
And the hurt 
That feeling 
Why was my heart kicked around like dirt? 
 
That feeling 
It’s different. It’s weakened. It’s far.  
No longer do I question why I feel emotions so raw 
I look back at the tears, the hurt, the weeping and screams 
I smile because pain is not as bad as it seems 
 
I construct my reality and power do I have 
The stab in my chest is now a scar, not a scab 
That feeling 
That soars through my body all day 
I’m happy and cheerful like a newborn puppy at play.  
 
That feeling 
Time passes. Rebirthing. Renew. 
That feeling 
Like a caterpillar flourishing out of its cocoon 
A blue butterfly taking its first flight in the world 
That feeling 
I am no longer a broken-hearted girl  

My First Music Festival

After taking a much needed break from school as my first trimester at Palmer College of Chiropractic came to an end, I would like to update my followers on some things that I have done during that time. I went to my first music festival, the Suwannee Hulaween Music Festival, in Live Oak, Florida October 24-27th with my 21-year-old brother Noah.

This experience was something that I had no idea I needed and it is one that I will hold dear to my heart. I know that this is the first of many music festivals that I will go to and there are several reasons for that. To put this experience into words seems impossible, but I will do my best.

The Venue

Starting with the venue, this place is magical. It is like a big forest campground. The energy that is in the air is flooded with good vibrations and happiness. You step foot into the Suwannee Music Park and everything from the outside doesn’t matter anymore. You see the smiles and hear the laughs of the people around you and their happiness floods your soul. The venue is quite large and I cannot fathom the amount of people that were there…yet…it seemed like such a tight-knit community despite the size. The sense of community in a place where a majority of the people do not know each other is something I have never felt before. Even though it was my first time being there I felt an automatic sense of comfort and I felt the freedom to be myself. I felt at home.

Image may contain: sky and outdoor
My brother, Noah, and I on the Hula Cheese!

There are also so many vendors there from food to clothing to a vendor with hundreds of types of sunglasses. The food was spectacular and the clothing was beautiful and unique. Everything about this place is beautiful and unique. I loved seeing everyone walk around in their rave costumes and outfits. I just loved seeing everyone be themselves because this is truly a place of zero judgement and undying love. I told my parents that you could wear a gigantic chicken outfit and dance like a chicken and even bawk like a chicken and people wouldn’t judge you…hell they’d probably even join you. I could be my weird self and I say that in a happy and positive way because weird is so damn beautiful. We are all weird. Life is weird. Humans are so damn weird. And to be in a place where I can be weird gave me a phenomenal feeling. My ABSOLUTE favorite place was called Spirit Lake. This place can be described in one word: mystical. It was like a utopia. Perfect. We spent the first night here and we saw PEEKABOO and Whipped Cream. I would have to say that that was the best night out of them all, although they were all amazing. I wish words could do this experience justice, but nothing I say and no pictures or videos could match the experience in real life.

This is a picture of the lake in the Spirit Lake area. Have to add that this place at night is an entire different world.

The Music

I have no idea why there is such a stigma around bass and EDM and all the music in the like. But, I could care less about what people think because I see all music as beautiful. The artists that we saw were all so talented and I felt transformed after each show. A few of my favorites were: PEEKABOO, Whipped Cream, Bassnectar, SoDown, and The String Cheese Incident. Each of these artists put so much emotion into their work….especially the first four artists that I listed. One thing that I like about these types of shows is that everyone is headbanging in their own personal way. I think that is because everyone is focused on a different part of the beat and everyone feels the music in a different way than those around them. We are all just in our own world and are getting lifted away with the music on our own. It is the most individual yet together feeling I have felt. You look around and everyone is feeling the music so intensely and you’re feeling the music…and you just feel at home.

There are people going around with those gloves with lights on the tips of the fingers and I have never been so mesmerized. Beautiful men and women with lights all over their outfits, or wands with long strands of lights dancing, taking you to a different place. Everyone is giving love and you’re giving love. You feel safe too…that is something I enjoyed very much. I was wearing revealing outfits, yet I did not feel objectified or disrespected ONCE. You know those “creepy old guys” that we all have experienced? I did not encounter ONE. They are just older men who are chill as hell. Coming from a town where so many men are objectifying and so many girls judge you for being different, this place truly was a utopia and I loved every second of my time there.

The Overall Experience

Life-changing. This was the best welcoming into the rave community. I yearn to be in this environment again. It was healing for my soul. I learned so much about myself in just those four days. I changed and that is not an overreaction. There are no words that amount to this experience and my only advice is to go to a show or music festival yourself. All music is wonderful….but there is nothing like EDM/bass. Each beat is so strategically placed and the artist becomes the music and puts their entire self into it. The venue is breathtaking and magical. The people are beautiful inside and out. It is like a place where there is a cool version of everyone you know and have ever met and then some! This is a home away from home. This is a community that is accepting of all. This is a place where you can be yourself and face no judgement as long as you give out love. I could have made this post a thirty minute read, but it still wouldn’t do the experience justice…you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Here are some of the outfits that I wore:

I added light up devil ears at night!
Loved this mermaid look!(:
This was my absolute favorite!

This is just a photo of my brother and I looking fresh as hell our first day back home from Hula:

Too much drip

Reactions

In my last post I made a comment on reactions. I know this is something that is difficult and not even close to being simple…but nevertheless it is important. The life that we are living is going to be filled with people who are put here to build and test our strength. The stupidity and the carelessness of others is out of our control and it is ultimately inevitable. No matter how good of a person we are or how selfless our actions are, we will never have complete control of the world that surrounds us. Whether is is nature or other people, some things are out of our control…and that is just life.One thing that we can control is the way we choose to live our lives and react to the good and bad things that happen.

Starting with the bad, I know at times life seems impossible, but we must fight like hell and carry on. We are powerful, resilient, and flexible beings. We are able to withstand great trauma and pressure…we have the ability to adapt to many different circumstances. Our bodies can utilize different systems and our parasympathetic or sympathetic nervous systems can change the way that our bodies function in order to survive. Survival is written in human DNA and survive is what we all must and will do.

When things go bad, it is okay to recognize that it is bad. Do not ignore the bad because that will lead to nothing good to come. Acknowledge the bad, even look yourself in the mirror and vocalize the bad to yourself. Feel the bad. Experience the bad. But then tell yourself that this bad is not forever. You have to realize that whatever has happened has happened. The past is tricky because although the past can effect the present, the past is ultimately the past and it can never be changed. I am going to say that again. The past can never and will never be changed. No matter what we do, no change will ever occur to the past. What can be changed is the future. We can better our mindset and try everything in our power to make this life a better one. I know it may sound silly, but you really do have to tell yourself that everything will be okay. Talk to yourself and be there for yourself, because if you are not there for yourself…why would the world? Even when the bad seems to be the end…you have to try and ease your reaction in a different direction. Once you start to focus on the way you react to things, you will notice that the anger, sadness, guilt, jealousy, and despair that you feel won’t last as long. If someone does something that would normally make you angry or if someone hurts you and makes you sad…you can feel that emotion, but work on feeling it for a shorter time. Life is too short to be clouded with negative emotions that ultimately only take their toll on the self.

Now for the good, each and every time something happens in your life that makes you smile or makes your eyes light up, thank the universe. Even if it is something as simple as hitting all green lights on your way home or getting eleven chicken nuggets when you ordered ten…smile because as cliche as it may sound, the little things in life are often the profound ones. You have to find joy in all things in life because this life we have only lasts for a set amount of time…and why live it with anything other than joy? Step outside and look around you. The sun is shining, there is that plentiful oxygen in the air, and the sky is blue. Even in the wake of a storm. The smell of oncoming rain fills your nasal cavity, the booming sound of thunder and lightning vibrates your tympanic membrane, and the breeze chills your skin. You are alive and you are feeling and experiencing the beautiful world around you. Once you start to feel joy in all the things that surround you, you will notice that joy will be abundant in comparison to despair.

Do me a favor. Do yourself a favor. Do the world a favor. Choose to be happy. It takes effort. So much effort. It will not come easy. You need to tell yourself that you are worth it and I’m telling you right now that you are worth it. You need to decide to react to things that have happened and that have yet to happen in a positive way. That test you are dreading? Stop dreading it. Thinking that, “I am going to fail,” “Nothing good will come,” “I should have studied more,” that will not change anything. Instead think, “I will do my best and the grade I receive is what I receive and it is not reflective on my ability or who I am as a person.” If you don’t get the best grade…accept it and move on. What is done is done. That relationship didn’t work out? Be sad about it if you may, but then realize that it happened for a reason and it cannot be undone. Heartbreak and sadness are inevitable, but happiness and joy are always possible. Some things may take longer to get over and to grow past…but as long as you tell yourself that you will see brighter days…keep on keeping on. Your reactions lead to actions which leads to changes in your life. Your reactions are very powerful. I want you to understand that as deeply as you can. We are all in this life together and we all experience hurt and trauma. You are never alone, so please never feel that way. You have the power to control the way you react, take charge of your life and commit yourself to yourself because you deserve that. Make your life beautiful despite the unavoidable evil that lurks in the dark depths of the universe. You have the choice, so choose you.

Sharing is Caring

Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

For the most part we tend to be very private and personal beings. Yes, there are the select few who share the personal details of their lives on a daily basis with people on the intense database that is the internet, but that is only a small portion of society…and even those people have their real secrets that aren’t shared with many. While keeping things to ourselves is oftentimes viewed as the “right thing to do,” is it really all that important? Think back to a hard time in your life. It could be anything. Didn’t you feel better after sharing your experience with someone? Maybe the person you shared with even went through a similar experience and you felt a sense of comfort and unity. We are all living this crazy ass thing called life together, so why not fight the struggles and celebrate the victories as one, collective family?

Now, I am not saying that you need to go up to every stranger you see and nail them with a five-hour life-story; all I am saying is that every once in a while, when you feel that familiar weight on your shoulders…open up to someone. It can be a close friend, a new friend, or a family member. Find someone that you trust and let them in. It doesn’t even have to be a physical person. Find a forum online, find a chat group, or even start your own blog. Releasing all that lies inside you, whether it is bad or good, is healthy and helps promote growth in various ways in the self. Share your success story to inspire others and share the scary stories that you hide deep within your soul to let others know that they are not alone. Think of all of the people who have posted videos of themselves online sharing their experiences with trauma that only inspired others to share their stories too, creating an entire database of love, support, and connection. The more that we share, the more that we will realize that we are not as alone in this world as we think we are. Consider the #MeToo Movement that was born within the past several years and Brave Miss World. For decades people felt alone, trapped, and most likely victimized by their experience with sexual assault. But as people began to stand up and tell the world of their experience, it banded an entire community of people together and they started to realize that they are not victims, but survivors. Think of all of the public speakers and social media influencers that have shared their stories of survival through racism, sexism, abuse, bullying, and every life experience under the moon. Their sharing wasn’t done under the impression that no other person has experienced something similar to what they have; their sharing was done in order to create that oh-so-wonderful feeling of unity between those in society.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

A sense of community and a sense of unity is one thing that, as humans, we need to survive. Everyone wants to find “their people,” but how can we do that if we shelter ourselves? Yes, sharing parts of ourselves is scary because sometimes people come into our lives and we share the deepest parts of ourselves with them and then they just leave. But that is part of life, baby, and it is neither a failure nor a loss on your part–it is a victory and a lesson. Opening up takes immense courage and if you choose to do that and the person leaves, then look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I tried and that makes me fucking amazing.” The thing about life is that not everyone that enters it is meant to stay. Sometimes the ones that leave get to leave without getting a chance to know us; but, other times the ones that leave seem to walk away with a little too much of us. As unfortunate as it may feel, always remember that you are constantly growing and changing. That person may have gotten to know the person that you were while they were in your life, but that person will never know the person you have become without them–and let me tell you that that person will always be so much better than the first.

Opening up is a sign of great strength and a beautiful display of vulnerability, but one should most certainly be cautious with whom they share their souls with. If the situation arises where you do miss a red flag or the red flag is hidden by pseudo-green flags by an ultimate manipulator, then remind yourself that it is OKAY. People are capable of a great deal of love and kindness, but people also have deep capability of deception and abuse. Sometimes we trust the wrong people because we couldn’t see through their mask, but please remember that just because you were manipulated by a manipulator does not mean you are neither foolish nor weak…it means that you are human. Take what happened as a lesson, however you may shape that lesson, and use it for your growth. You are capable of so much more than you could ever imagine. Don’t forget to open up and share at your own pace too. There is no set time it should take you to “get over something” or be ready to move on. Everyone handles everything differently and handle your ‘baggage’ at a rate that is healthy for you.

The next time that you feel you shoulders hunching over with that familiar pain and you feel your chest ache in that way that can hardly be explained, find someone you trust or find any type of outlet and release that energy. Who knows, maybe that energy may be caught by someone else and transformed into something good for their soul. Every once in a while, share.

Always remember that you will be forever worthy of abundance, joy, bliss and love.