That Feeling – A Poem

A poem about the journey of new love, heartbreak and finally healing. Enjoy.

That feeling 
In my stomach 
Your name on my phone 
That feeling 
The first time it was you and I alone 
Blood racing through my heart 
I’ve been hit by Cupid’s dart 
That feeling 
Oh how I loved that feeling 
 
The messages 
The calls 
The FaceTimes 
The visits 
Oh that feeling was so exquisite  
Hands interlocked, I’m rubbing your thumb 
When we were together, we were not two, but one 
 
That feeling 
Your kisses down my neck, my waist, and my thighs,  
I called it making love, not sex. You were mine in my eyes. 
 
That feeling 
Turned into something unusual and different 
One day we’re at dinner  
And the next we are distant 
That feeling 
Is space growing in between our souls 
All I could ask the universe was, “what is your goal?” 
 
That feeling  
The sadness deep in my chest 
The only thing that cures it is a forced, unsatisfactory nights rest 
 
My heart  
It beats  
So fast  
I’m scared 
For it is now anxiety, not love, in my chest that is bared 
The tingles in my skin 
I’m numb 
I can’t take it  
That feeling 
When you left me 
My heart...why did you break it? 
 
I cried and I wept and I screamed and I cursed 
That feeling  
Everything you said now seems rehearsed  
The questioning 
The doubt 
The self hate 
And the hurt 
That feeling 
Why was my heart kicked around like dirt? 
 
That feeling 
It’s different. It’s weakened. It’s far.  
No longer do I question why I feel emotions so raw 
I look back at the tears, the hurt, the weeping and screams 
I smile because pain is not as bad as it seems 
 
I construct my reality and power do I have 
The stab in my chest is now a scar, not a scab 
That feeling 
That soars through my body all day 
I’m happy and cheerful like a newborn puppy at play.  
 
That feeling 
Time passes. Rebirthing. Renew. 
That feeling 
Like a caterpillar flourishing out of its cocoon 
A blue butterfly taking its first flight in the world 
That feeling 
I am no longer a broken-hearted girl  

My First Music Festival

After taking a much needed break from school as my first trimester at Palmer College of Chiropractic came to an end, I would like to update my followers on some things that I have done during that time. I went to my first music festival, the Suwannee Hulaween Music Festival, in Live Oak, Florida October 24-27th with my 21-year-old brother Noah.

This experience was something that I had no idea I needed and it is one that I will hold dear to my heart. I know that this is the first of many music festivals that I will go to and there are several reasons for that. To put this experience into words seems impossible, but I will do my best.

The Venue

Starting with the venue, this place is magical. It is like a big forest campground. The energy that is in the air is flooded with good vibrations and happiness. You step foot into the Suwannee Music Park and everything from the outside doesn’t matter anymore. You see the smiles and hear the laughs of the people around you and their happiness floods your soul. The venue is quite large and I cannot fathom the amount of people that were there…yet…it seemed like such a tight-knit community despite the size. The sense of community in a place where a majority of the people do not know each other is something I have never felt before. Even though it was my first time being there I felt an automatic sense of comfort and I felt the freedom to be myself. I felt at home.

Image may contain: sky and outdoor
My brother, Noah, and I on the Hula Cheese!

There are also so many vendors there from food to clothing to a vendor with hundreds of types of sunglasses. The food was spectacular and the clothing was beautiful and unique. Everything about this place is beautiful and unique. I loved seeing everyone walk around in their rave costumes and outfits. I just loved seeing everyone be themselves because this is truly a place of zero judgement and undying love. I told my parents that you could wear a gigantic chicken outfit and dance like a chicken and even bawk like a chicken and people wouldn’t judge you…hell they’d probably even join you. I could be my weird self and I say that in a happy and positive way because weird is so damn beautiful. We are all weird. Life is weird. Humans are so damn weird. And to be in a place where I can be weird gave me a phenomenal feeling. My ABSOLUTE favorite place was called Spirit Lake. This place can be described in one word: mystical. It was like a utopia. Perfect. We spent the first night here and we saw PEEKABOO and Whipped Cream. I would have to say that that was the best night out of them all, although they were all amazing. I wish words could do this experience justice, but nothing I say and no pictures or videos could match the experience in real life.

This is a picture of the lake in the Spirit Lake area. Have to add that this place at night is an entire different world.

The Music

I have no idea why there is such a stigma around bass and EDM and all the music in the like. But, I could care less about what people think because I see all music as beautiful. The artists that we saw were all so talented and I felt transformed after each show. A few of my favorites were: PEEKABOO, Whipped Cream, Bassnectar, SoDown, and The String Cheese Incident. Each of these artists put so much emotion into their work….especially the first four artists that I listed. One thing that I like about these types of shows is that everyone is headbanging in their own personal way. I think that is because everyone is focused on a different part of the beat and everyone feels the music in a different way than those around them. We are all just in our own world and are getting lifted away with the music on our own. It is the most individual yet together feeling I have felt. You look around and everyone is feeling the music so intensely and you’re feeling the music…and you just feel at home.

There are people going around with those gloves with lights on the tips of the fingers and I have never been so mesmerized. Beautiful men and women with lights all over their outfits, or wands with long strands of lights dancing, taking you to a different place. Everyone is giving love and you’re giving love. You feel safe too…that is something I enjoyed very much. I was wearing revealing outfits, yet I did not feel objectified or disrespected ONCE. You know those “creepy old guys” that we all have experienced? I did not encounter ONE. They are just older men who are chill as hell. Coming from a town where so many men are objectifying and so many girls judge you for being different, this place truly was a utopia and I loved every second of my time there.

The Overall Experience

Life-changing. This was the best welcoming into the rave community. I yearn to be in this environment again. It was healing for my soul. I learned so much about myself in just those four days. I changed and that is not an overreaction. There are no words that amount to this experience and my only advice is to go to a show or music festival yourself. All music is wonderful….but there is nothing like EDM/bass. Each beat is so strategically placed and the artist becomes the music and puts their entire self into it. The venue is breathtaking and magical. The people are beautiful inside and out. It is like a place where there is a cool version of everyone you know and have ever met and then some! This is a home away from home. This is a community that is accepting of all. This is a place where you can be yourself and face no judgement as long as you give out love. I could have made this post a thirty minute read, but it still wouldn’t do the experience justice…you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Here are some of the outfits that I wore:

I added light up devil ears at night!
Loved this mermaid look!(:
This was my absolute favorite!

This is just a photo of my brother and I looking fresh as hell our first day back home from Hula:

Too much drip

Anger

I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I owe much of my growth to my break-up from several months ago. I experienced a large amount of anger and sadness for longer than I intended, but that experience made me a stronger person. I underwent a lot of self-reflection and I reached an all-time-low, which only prompted myself to work towards an all-time-high. While I was very sad, most of what I felt was anger. Even in other past experiences that have caused me emotional distress, I mostly felt anger. I was angry at the world for allowing such a thing to happen at me. I was angry at the person or thing for hurting me. I was angry at myself for allowing myself to hurt. I was constantly angry. I knew that I needed to change and I worked hard to reach that change…which is definitely easier said than done. I am still working on myself and I will be working on myself until my last breath. I would like to share my thought process on anger and how to be a less angry person.

It all starts with recognizing that you are angry. You need to be aware of yourself and of your feelings. You cannot deny anger. Even look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “I am angry. […] made me angry. I feel anger.” It sounds silly, but confronting yourself face-to-face is very powerful. When you recognize that you are angry, breathe in and absorb ALL of that anger and your angry thoughts for either one deep breath in or several breaths in and then when you exhale, release that anger until you feel a sense of calmness. Next you need to realize that anger never got anyone anywhere good. I met a wise man this past weekend on October 5th, 2019 at my close friend, Kavishka’s, “Dandiya Night,” and he told me something that stayed with me. He said that, “anger is self-punishment for the stupidity of others.” When you are angry, those emotions and the feelings you get hurt yourself. Yes, you may act on those emotions and do something to hurt another person, but that is separate issue because although you are completely responsible for your actions, others are also partially responsible for their reactions. We are focusing on you right now and the way your actions influence you.

How exactly is anger self-punishment? When you are angry you are filled with negative thoughts and energy. Those thoughts and energy control just about everything. If you have a negative thought that turns into a negative action, which turns into a negative response, which turns into a negative event, which creates a negative environment and so on and so forth. One small sliver of negativity has enough power to destroy the entire world and it is up to us, as individuals, to rid of that negativity. You have to turn the bad into good or else you will never survive. You have to realize that the past is over with and nothing will change it. You have to realize that the future is coming, but you cannot dwell on an event that hasn’t occurred. You have to set yourself in the present moment and tell yourself that you are where you are supposed to be. You have to tell yourself that everything is okay, because in all reality it is.

I know that people can really just piss us all off sometimes. And sometimes, even if we work on controlling anger, we can slip up and let it consume us for a little longer than it should. Stupidity, unfortunately, is inevitable; but, how we respond is completely up to us. It is a process that will take time. And this process isn’t a full circle, it is rather a wave that continues on forever, but the wavelengths between our negative reactions (the crests and troughs) get further and further apart. But if you commit yourself to yourself then you can have growth. Let people be mad. Let people be negative. But fight like hell to protect yourself from that negative energy. Don’t beat yourself up if you do slip-up because mistakes will happen, but if there is truly good intention that surrounds them, then that is okay. Take a few deep breaths in and out and just literally tell yourself, out loud, that everything will be okay. Tell yourself that you are stronger than this inconvenience. Tell yourself that you will get past this. Tell yourself that nothing and no one is worth anger that will only end up hurting you more than anyone else.

Once you begin this journey you will recognize a less angry life for yourself. You may even recognize good starting to come your way. Positive energy is like a bright light to a moth in a dark room. Attraction is strong and it starts off subtle and then all of a sudden you are surrounded by abundance. Take care of yourself. You are worth the effort. It only seems like a lot of effort at first, but then self-love just becomes leg-work the more you do it. Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are worth it because you are. You do not need to feel anger, your soul is far too beautiful to be surrounded by such an energy. Carry on with love and love will come.

Choose Love.

Love. The most powerful energy to exist in the world. Romantic love between a husband and wife, platonic love between two best friends, or the unconditional love from a pet—love surrounds all. Love can fix all the wrongs in the world. Real love is never selfish, if it draws negativity into the world it is not love, perhaps it is lust or desire. Everyone and everything is deserving of love, no matter the wrongdoings that an individual does. It must be remembered that if a person was shown complete love for the entire life lived, then the wrongdoing may not have occurred. Love is accepting the faults in a person, no matter how burdening those faults may seem. Love is physical as in respecting the gift of the body and the gift of the world with absolute caution and admiration. Love is mental as in love the self and regarding the self as a work of art, because the self is spectacular, and the occurrence of each person is almost impossible. Love is vocal as in acknowledging to others the love you have, whether that other be a human being, an animal, an insect or a favorite book. Recognizing love and declaring love is ever so powerful. Love should consume the soul for eternity because what other than love should be felt? Love can be felt even during the bad times. The loss of a loved one is heartbreaking, yet the chance that was had to love that person must be appreciated. Love is universal and the boundaries of love do not exist. There is no wrong love or unacceptable love.

Love is everywhere and there is no instance in which love is unable to appear, because if hate and anger are possible, then so is love. Manifest love internally and express love externally. The more love you allow to surround you, the more love you’ll notice in your life. Love the birds, the bees, the sky, the trees, and even love the materialistic things that you own. That is one beautiful thing about humans, we give things meaning. Your favorite baseball cap? Favorite pair of pants? Favorite coffee shop? Or even that necklace you wear everyday that your late grandmother gave you? Love it all. It is always said that material items mean nothing, but while they do not mean as much as connections between people, they do mean something. There is no shame in giving something meaning and simply loving it, that is what being human is all about. Everyday we buy cars, houses, go to school, eat at our favorite restaurant, even when we know that this life is not forever. Everyone knows that sooner or later, life will end and many think that everything we have done in our life means nothing–but that is not true. Make it your goal to love as much as you can. Touch others hearts. When you die, everything that you have touched lives on. Even love you show one person can impact another indirectly. Love is powerful and love is everlasting. Not feeling and showing love is a choice, but then that means that feeling and showing love is a choice. Choose love.

I love you.

A Little on Love

When many people think of love, they think of romantic relationships, hearts, flowers and romance. While I am a sucker for romance, I also have a deep appreciation for the energy of love in its entirety. Love is the one thing in this world that is able to survive through anything. It is the energy that binds the trees in the dirt and pumps blood through the heart. Everything that we do, we do out of love and everything we are is because of love.

A few months ago I read an interesting poem by John Keats titled, On Seeing the Elgin Marbles. Through writing this poem, Keats explained what he felt when he saw the famous sculpture “The Elgin Marbles,” but to many of his readers dismay, he could not fully articulate what he felt. He was simply at a loss for words. In a critic review that I read of Keats poem by Matthew Gumpert the conclusion was reached that, “To be able to say what one feels, following this trope, is proof that one does not feel enough.” This is something that really stuck with me.

I began to think about people that I love the most in this world. I thought about my parents, my siblings, my closest friends, my immediate family, my pets…everything that I hold dear to my heart. I tried to verbalize just how much I loved those things and I felt myself at a loss for words as well. I also went through a similar experience during early August 2019 when I visited home. I was sitting on the ground with my Great Dane Pluto and as we were sitting and I was rubbing his head just the way he likes it, he closes his eyes, nuzzles his head on my lap, and lets out a sigh of relief. I felt that familiar feeling of fullness in my chest and smiled to myself. Then it hit me. Love is when you don’t need to say it.

I said to my dog, “Pluto, I know you love me and you don’t even have to say it.” I know that he knows I love him, even if I don’t say it one-hundred times a day. Just as I know my parents love me even if they don’t say it everyday and so on and so forth. I am all for saying, “I love you,” but lets be honest, that is a very overused phrase that often gets said with little truth behind it. I have had people say that they love me because they get excited and caught up in the moment, but when that moment fades, their actions do not match their words. While I was aware that said people did not love me, the deception of words still messes with the mind sometimes. When someone loves you, you will know it. When you love someone, you will know it.

Photo by Ali Yahya on Unsplash

A distinction that must be made is the difference between being in love and loving someone. I love everyone that has come into my life and everyone that has left it. One thing that I have never felt was being in love with someone and I can say that confidently. I have a feeling that many people jump the gun and tell someone that they love them because they do love them, but usually when someone says “I love you,” and it is a romantic relationship the in love notion is assumed. Love, although heavily normalized, is something that seems to be taboo and scary. Saying “I love you” to someone is seen as a daunting step in a relationship because it holds this imaginary amount of pressure with it. I think that that is all bullshit. Tell everyone you love that you love them, just make sure that you are sure of your words though. To tell someone you love them and then to treat them otherwise is an ill deed that should never be done.

Whether you choose to say “I love you,” or choose to simply show someone you love them by your actions, I believe that it is all equal. Love is neither a contest nor a scale in which things should be judged–love is love. I do believe some love can run deeper for some, because we all have different levels of connection with certain people, but no love is better than the next. I try and live my life by showing everyone love and feeling love for everyone. It is a philosophy that can get very hard to stick to sometimes, especially when people really do a number on my heart, but it is a philosophy that I refuse to separate from. I do feel frustration and anger towards others, don’t get me wrong, but I try to transform that negative energy into positive as swiftly as possible. Sometimes it takes me hours, and other times it has taken me months; but, it is not the time that it takes that is important, it is the intention that is had that matters.

Don’t be afraid to tell someone you love them. Who cares if they don’t say it back? Don’t feel humiliated. Never feel humiliated to express your feelings, especially feelings of love. If you are in love with someone, make that distinction for them. Express your love through your actions, your thoughts, your choices…everything. This life we are given is only so long and what a wonderful life it would be to live it full of love.

Sharing is Caring

Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

For the most part we tend to be very private and personal beings. Yes, there are the select few who share the personal details of their lives on a daily basis with people on the intense database that is the internet, but that is only a small portion of society…and even those people have their real secrets that aren’t shared with many. While keeping things to ourselves is oftentimes viewed as the “right thing to do,” is it really all that important? Think back to a hard time in your life. It could be anything. Didn’t you feel better after sharing your experience with someone? Maybe the person you shared with even went through a similar experience and you felt a sense of comfort and unity. We are all living this crazy ass thing called life together, so why not fight the struggles and celebrate the victories as one, collective family?

Now, I am not saying that you need to go up to every stranger you see and nail them with a five-hour life-story; all I am saying is that every once in a while, when you feel that familiar weight on your shoulders…open up to someone. It can be a close friend, a new friend, or a family member. Find someone that you trust and let them in. It doesn’t even have to be a physical person. Find a forum online, find a chat group, or even start your own blog. Releasing all that lies inside you, whether it is bad or good, is healthy and helps promote growth in various ways in the self. Share your success story to inspire others and share the scary stories that you hide deep within your soul to let others know that they are not alone. Think of all of the people who have posted videos of themselves online sharing their experiences with trauma that only inspired others to share their stories too, creating an entire database of love, support, and connection. The more that we share, the more that we will realize that we are not as alone in this world as we think we are. Consider the #MeToo Movement that was born within the past several years and Brave Miss World. For decades people felt alone, trapped, and most likely victimized by their experience with sexual assault. But as people began to stand up and tell the world of their experience, it banded an entire community of people together and they started to realize that they are not victims, but survivors. Think of all of the public speakers and social media influencers that have shared their stories of survival through racism, sexism, abuse, bullying, and every life experience under the moon. Their sharing wasn’t done under the impression that no other person has experienced something similar to what they have; their sharing was done in order to create that oh-so-wonderful feeling of unity between those in society.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

A sense of community and a sense of unity is one thing that, as humans, we need to survive. Everyone wants to find “their people,” but how can we do that if we shelter ourselves? Yes, sharing parts of ourselves is scary because sometimes people come into our lives and we share the deepest parts of ourselves with them and then they just leave. But that is part of life, baby, and it is neither a failure nor a loss on your part–it is a victory and a lesson. Opening up takes immense courage and if you choose to do that and the person leaves, then look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I tried and that makes me fucking amazing.” The thing about life is that not everyone that enters it is meant to stay. Sometimes the ones that leave get to leave without getting a chance to know us; but, other times the ones that leave seem to walk away with a little too much of us. As unfortunate as it may feel, always remember that you are constantly growing and changing. That person may have gotten to know the person that you were while they were in your life, but that person will never know the person you have become without them–and let me tell you that that person will always be so much better than the first.

Opening up is a sign of great strength and a beautiful display of vulnerability, but one should most certainly be cautious with whom they share their souls with. If the situation arises where you do miss a red flag or the red flag is hidden by pseudo-green flags by an ultimate manipulator, then remind yourself that it is OKAY. People are capable of a great deal of love and kindness, but people also have deep capability of deception and abuse. Sometimes we trust the wrong people because we couldn’t see through their mask, but please remember that just because you were manipulated by a manipulator does not mean you are neither foolish nor weak…it means that you are human. Take what happened as a lesson, however you may shape that lesson, and use it for your growth. You are capable of so much more than you could ever imagine. Don’t forget to open up and share at your own pace too. There is no set time it should take you to “get over something” or be ready to move on. Everyone handles everything differently and handle your ‘baggage’ at a rate that is healthy for you.

The next time that you feel you shoulders hunching over with that familiar pain and you feel your chest ache in that way that can hardly be explained, find someone you trust or find any type of outlet and release that energy. Who knows, maybe that energy may be caught by someone else and transformed into something good for their soul. Every once in a while, share.

Always remember that you will be forever worthy of abundance, joy, bliss and love.

Being Biracial

New Years Eve, 2008

I am very proud to be a woman of a mixed ethnic background, or as many would say, biracial. I find myself struggling to choose the term that is most “politically correct,” because race itself, such as: black and white, is a social construction. As a society, we have racialized ourselves, and I’m not sure how that can be undone. For the sake of this blog, I will use the term biracial, white, and black because I find no offense to those terms. Also, I must say that I understand there are endless combinations that could make one biracial, but this is my experience as being a woman with Irish, Italian, and Northern Africa heritage.

May I also add that this is in no way me complaining about being biracial and the things that I deal with, I am simply giving personal insight on what it is like to be a person of mixed race. I feel that it is important to know peoples struggles because then you can understand them more. I can guarantee that there are several others with a similar ethnic background that have experienced and felt similar things than I have. So, please, store this information in your mind and take it into consideration in your daily life.

Christmas Eve, 2018

Honestly. Being biracial can be so confusing at times and all the terminology makes it even worse. “Black” has been used to refer to those of African descent, but it also refers to anyone with a dark skin tone. But then I am also a light skin because I am a “lighter black.” But I am also white because when asked of the race I am when I fill out papers that do not have the ‘more than one race’s’ option, I select ‘black/African American’ and ‘white.’ I have had people tell me that I am not black enough to call myself black, but also people laugh at me when I say that I am white. It is almost like you can never win sometimes. Then there is also the fact that although I am white, I do not experience white privilege; however, since I am “light skin,” I know that I do experience light-skin privilege at times. It really is just like you’re stuck in the middle.

Probably one of the most frustrating things is the way that much of society looks at my family. I could not count on both of my hands the amount of disapproving and dirty looks that we have gotten from people in public. For some reason, in 2019, there are still people who think that “colors should not mix,” but let me tell you something, the world is not a fucking washing machine. I guess that these moments have made me love myself more and have pushed me to be proud of who I am. Sometimes, when I am feeling strong enough, I just take the negative energy and hate from others and use it to fuel my soul in hopes of some of my positive energy getting shared with those showing me the hate. Something else that I have had to deal with is hate from both sides of my ancestry. I have had dirty words and painful insults said to me from both those who identify as white and dark-skinned black people. I would have to say that it hurts more coming from the latter because what they don’t know is that I have experienced some of the discrimination that they have. That is something I never understood. Every group in this world that has been discriminated against at a large, social level should never show hate towards one another because we are all in the same damn boat and if we don’t band together and overcome, that damn boat is going to sink.

Palmer Campus Visit, 2018

If there is one thing that I would like to leave you with is that it doesn’t matter where someone came from or what they look like. If you love someone, then love them—and you should love everyone because at the end of the day we are all living this same confusing-ass life and we are more alike than we will ever be different. Appreciate and love all the beautiful diversity around you because one day, when your life ends, you want to be able to look back and think, “I was a person of love.”